Unconditional
by WriterKC
Summary: She's swerving on patches of ice now, tears blurring her vision. She doesn't realize her old partner is on his way and figures she will freeze to death in the ditch but what did it matter anymore? No one wanted her. She was just a burden. An obligation. A stack of papers.


She feels like she should have seen this coming. Yet another person she had formed a close bond with exiting from her life and she would have to move on as if the years she had with them hadn't happened. Rafael Barba's last words to her stab at her heart, ripping at the wound that had barely begun to patch up from Elliot leaving 7 years earlier.

"I have to move on."

And she gets it, she does. She gets why Barba couldn't be an ADA anymore. She gets why Elliot couldn't be a cop anymore. She doesn't fault them for that. But still, it hurts her, kills her every time she lets someone in, be her rock, hoping that maybe she wouldn't feel alone anymore...it never lasts.

It wasn't just them either. But, they were the losses that gutted her the most.

When will she be enough for someone? When will they want to stay for _her_? When will she feel the unconditional love that her mother hadn't been able to give her, that she had dreamed about since she was a little girl? When will she finally hear the words "I love you" for the first time she can remember.

She thought she had that kind of love from Elliot. No, they couldn't actually be together, he was married, and she was not the type who wanted to break up a family. Ever. But he was a constant in her life for over a decade, he was the longest relationship she'd ever had. He was supposed to be the one who stayed. The one who told her for "better or worse". The one who protected her, challenged her, supported her, laughed and cried with her, fought with her and gave her strength to fight. Her most trusted ally, her rock to lean on, her shelter from the storms, her partner, her-

He had been _everything_ to her. She was alone, and yet he kept her from drowning in loneliness, in pain. He was there, every day he was there and then he just...wasn't. Never in a million years had she imagined the day when he wouldn't be part of her life. And she tried to be angry with him, she tried to hate him, tell herself he was selfish, that she deserved better than him. That he wasn't worth the tears. She tried to forget him, forget the years they had.

But she couldn't. No matter how hard she tried, she still loved him and missed him greatly. She wasn't angry anymore either because as she says goodbye to yet another close companion she hadn't wanted to expect to part with…

How could she blame Elliot Stabler for leaving, how could she think it was his fault without directing the same feelings towards Rafael Barba,

Who stepped in shortly after Elliot left and found his spot in her wounded and guarded heart.

Towards David Haden, who came into her life while she was still grieving Elliot, and made her feel special, loved, and like she might have a future with him...but chose the job instead.

Towards Brian Cassidy who wanted to be with her until she was kidnapped and tortured by a psychopath, and then couldn't seem to handle it. Who pretended to still want to be with her...until the false pregnancy test, because he didn't want a family with her.

Towards Don Cragen, the father figure in her life who retired and left her in charge because he had faith in her and her ability to do her job, in her compassion for others.

Towards the man who proposed to her in high school, who she said yes to to get away from her mother...but when her mother threatened to kick him out of school...decided she wasn't worth it.

Towards her mother, who didn't know how to love her the way a mother should. Who made her feel worthless, disgusting, and evil because of the man who had helped create her. Who couldn't bring herself to even _say_ she loved her even if she didn't mean it. Who made her feel like deep down she didn't deserve to be loved like everyone else, but she still had dreams like any child did. 19 years ago she met a loyal, strong, loving man with blue eyes who could drive her crazy with his overprotectiveness, but who she thought cared for her the way she had dreamed of back then. Who challenged what her mother told her to believe about men, by making her feel like she mattered.

She wonders if she's a curse. If she's not meant to have anyone stay with her forever. If her genetics really do play a role. If she has a predisposition about her that makes people grow sick of her after a certain period of time.

She was why her mother drank. Why her mother finally got sick of it all and drank herself into a stupor, falling down the subway steps to her death.

Had she made _them_ grow sick of her too?

Had Elliot always planned on only putting up with her for 12 years? Had he just wanted to keep his job so he became friends with her because she was a part of it but she really didn't mean anything to him.

Or she did, and he tried to love her but chose to stay with Kathy despite their broken marriage because he didn't want a woman with a screwed up past. Couldn't stand the burdens she had.

And when that case happened, when he couldn't do the job anymore, he left because he couldn't love her without the job to distract him from the fact that she had a monster's genes in her. He couldn't keep loving her knowing if they had a family together..their kids would have evil in them like she did.

Had he planned to shoot Jenna regardless of if she put the gun down or kept shooting...because he knew it was a for sure way of not having to deal with his screwed up partner anymore.

 _No_ , she tries to convince herself. _That wasn't Elliot. If that were true, he wouldn't have stayed so long._

So he had loved her, but maybe he just couldn't take it anymore... like her mother.

* * *

Rafael Barba had thanked her for opening his heart. All she could think of in that moment was what it would have been like if she had been able to say goodbye to Elliot.

"I have to move on." _Why?_ She wanted to scream why _does everyone always say that. Why does moving on from the job mean moving on from everything? Why does it have to mean moving on from our friendship?_ Yet, she couldn't say anything, she couldn't form words because she knew they would turn into sobs. He pressed his lips to her forehead, trying to lessen the pain of her heart-shattering in grief once again.

He loved her too, and she wanted him to say it. _God, why had no one just said it?_ That was all she had dreamed about was hearing someone say "I love you." to her, sincerely. As if she was worth more than the scum she believed herself to be and that person loved her no matter what, unconditionally. He doesn't say anything, just gives her a kiss on the forehead and holds her for a minute before letting go and walking away. And this new loss mixes with the barely patched scar from those words 7 years ago.

"Elliot put his papers in."

That was all she was? The job? An obligation he could free himself from by simply turning in a stack of papers?

"I have to move on."

What if I don't want you to? Am I allowed to be selfish?

And she's tired, so tired of opening her heart only for it to break.

She's tired of loving, and receiving obligational, not unconditional love in return.

Tired of having to get over yet another companion.

She hates that Rafael Barba could tell her she changed him, could kiss her forehead and make her feel like she was worth something to him...and then in the same breath tell her he had to move on. Indirectly saying that he tried to love her as long as he could, but it was too hard.

She hates that Elliot Stabler could tell her he was her partner for better or worse...until he realized who she really was. Until he spent 12 years glued to her side day and night, case after case, and became worn out. She hates that he sent her the Semper Fi medal after he left, "Always Faithful" was what it meant. Was that his way of saying that he _had_ loved her but he had to move on because the burden was too much for him to bear. He tried to love her as long as he could, and to his credit longer than anyone had in the past, but gave up. He tried to be her protector but had lost strength. He didn't come in and save her from William Lewis because once he left the job, she was just a distant memory. She was no longer an obligation. He could protect people who weren't already broken, who deserved his protection, his unconditional love. As she finds herself in her closet, pulling on an old hoodie of his, she lets the tears fall. Heartbroken sobs. Grieving what could have been. Grieving the loss of not only him specifically, but how happy she felt with him, how safe...and though it may have been out of obligation...how loved he made her feel.

Now she was grieving yet another loss. Maybe she should give up too like so many others seemed to have given up on her. She goes to her living room, intending to remove the photo of the squad with their beloved ADA from her mantle. Thinking it would be easier to forget him if she hid the pictures, tried to block out the happy memories. But she can't do it.

The hoodie she's wearing still smells like her old partner, the first man she had loved with her whole heart, and the scent makes her cry harder. She wishes she was a different person, then maybe she wouldn't keep losing people.

Maybe she should stop craving unconditional love if she's not meant to have it. _Her gaze falls on an old picture of her and her mother hanging on her wall._

She's so tired of this. Tired of hoping and being shattered. _She goes to her nightstand, where Elliot's Semper Fi medal hangs on a necklace next to a picture from when they were partners that she can't bring herself to get rid of._

Tired of wondering who the next departure will be. _2 plates rest in the sink along with glasses, a reminder of the dinner she and Barba had shared a couple nights ago while going over a case._

Tired of wondering if there would ever be someone who wanted to give her the love she's always wanted. _Various images pop into her mind of lovers that have come and gone, promised her everything and tossed her to the curb like she was nothing. Because they couldn't choose her over something better, even the job. Of Elliot, who even when separated from his wife would rather have had his temporary partner of a couple weeks, an image of Dani Beck pops into her mind, than his best friend of 8 years._

Tired of how easily others can abandon friendships, but how hard it is for her to move on.

" _Elliot put his papers in." Her captain's voice haunts her and though it's been 7 years it's those words that cut her deeper than anything else._

Tired of just watching people walk away and not being enough to stop them, not being enough for them to question their choice to leave. " _Semper Fi- El"_

" _You opened my heart..and I thank you for it.."_

" _And?"_

" _I have to move on"_

Tired of hurting.

Tired of feeling worthless. _It takes her a few minutes to realize she's in the car, driving way too fast in a snowstorm. No clue where she's going._

Tired of goodbye. _She's swerving on patches of ice now, tears blurring her vision._

Somehow she finds herself on the bridge between Manhattan and Queens, and it's Elliot whose face pops into her mind and keeps her from driving over like she had considered, to end the pain. Swerving instead and gaining back control of the car.

It's Elliot's son Dickie, who is driving in the next lane when she unintentionally hits a patch of ice again spinning off the road into a ditch. Luckily she's not hurt when he pulls over and runs down the bank, recognizing her and worried if she's ok.

It's Elliot who Dickie calls to help pull her car out of the ditch.

It's Elliot who, after hearing who's in the car calls a tow truck and speeds down the highway, praying that she's ok, that he's not too late.

She's shivering, and not realizing that her old partner is on his way, figures she will likely freeze to death, trapped in her car in a ditch. But what did it matter anymore? No one wanted her. She was just a burden. An obligation. A stack of papers.

It's Elliot who arrives at the same time the tow truck does, ordering them to stay back and wait till he gets her out of the car because he needs to see for himself that she's ok, and then needs to never let her go again. It's Elliot who she sees running toward the car, with a blanket and a first aid kit, Dickie right behind him. It's Elliot, the one she thought had forgotten about her, had given up on trying to love her, who wraps the blanket around her and scoops her up into his arms, holding her tight as her car is towed off, checking her for injuries.

It's in his arms that she breaks down, sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

It's his voice that soothes her, telling her everything would be ok, that he would take her home so she could warm up and then he would explain everything.

She holds him tight, Her arms latched around his neck in a death grip as he carries her to his car, afraid to believe that he's really there. That he saved her from herself.

It's at his apartment that she sits wrapped in 2 blankets, cuddled next to him on the couch with a cup of hot chocolate that she gets the answers she's wanted for 7 years. And the ache in her heart begins to fade.

It's Elliot, who pulls her into his lap after learning why she was driving the way she had been that night, why she wanted to just give up.

It's his tears that mix with hers as he reassures her that it wasn't _her_ he wanted to leave. That he thought she was better off without him and he really didn't realize the pain his leaving had caused. That she meant more to him than she would ever know. He had gone back into the marines for a few years, had only recently gotten home, and was deployed when Lewis happened. Otherwise, he would have looked for her, would have saved her, been there for her.

And it's from Elliot's lips, as she's wrapped tightly in his warm embrace that she hears the words she's wanted to hear for so long.

"And I do love you Olivia, so much sweetheart. Always have, no matter what. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. I'm so sorry I was too much of a coward to know I was hurting you. I love you more than I know how to put into words and I always will. Please don't ever doubt that. Ever. Ok?" He places a reassuring kiss to her forehead, providing her with warmth, comfort, safety, and wipes away the tears that don't seem to stop falling. She takes a shaky breath and looks up at him, snuggling into the shelter his arms are providing.

"I love you too." She feels her heart mending and nothing else matters. Nothing but finally hearing those words, and she feels like she is home. She feels whole again. He leans down and kisses her gently and holds her close.

She'll call Barba in the morning and tell him that she understands him leaving the job but that she cares about him and can't walk away from their friendship. Elliot tells her that she'd be surprised how much she's worth to the world and that from what she told him about the former ADA, he'd care about how she felt. If he was half the friend she deserved to have in her life, he'd find a way to stay, even if he was no longer on the job.

But that's a conversation that could wait until the morning. Right now, she allows herself to relax and fall asleep in her partner's arms, where she belongs.

"Get some sleep Liv, I'll be here when you wake up I promise." She nods against his shoulder, eyes closed as her breathing evens out. He kisses the top of her head softly and whispers

"Goodnight my love." Knowing she needs those words, knowing she hadn't heard them much in her life.

And for the first time in years, she can breathe freely and sleep through the night.

The hole in her heart has finally been filled.

She knows there's still work to do, things they need to talk about.

But this time she's not letting go.

Because she's done watching them walk away

She's tired of goodbye


End file.
